9.9.01 1.14 am # arglefargle.
i'm listening to my sister talk on the phone, four feet away from me. all she does is giggle fakely, use an annoying cutesy voice, and say idiotic things. she's talking to a boy, of course. my sister is really into boys. i'm annoyed. her life seems to revolve around boys. i'm disgusted. she's surrounded by boys.

i'm jealous.

but just a little. i don't want her to turn into one of those vapid girls i hate. or maybe i do, so i'll have something to hold over her. i don't think i can listen to any more of this, so i'm going to go perform my ablutions. more updates later.

9.4.01 12.55 pm # this is ground control to major ew
last night at ten thirty, after doing sixteen nigh-impossible calculus problems, i wanted to go online and bitch about them. so i did. i decided to check and see if scribble.nu was working, since it was down all day yesterday. i opened internet explorer and... AUGH!

the home page had been changed to something i was in NO mood to see. i changed it back to yahoo and looked at the history. mucho porn. ew. i cleared the history and sat back for a second to think about it. it sure as hell wasn't me looking at those porn sites. my sister always uses the upstairs computer for whatever sinister activities she may be involved in. and i doubt my mom is interested in "amateur beautiful nudes". so, unless someone taught the dog to use the computer, by process of elimination, it was dad.

i really shouldn't have thought about it, i realize now. i should have cleared the history and left it at that. but really, "preferred types of porn" should definitely go in the category of stuff a girl DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT HER FATHER!

i decided to show my dad that even if the word "discretion" isn't in his vocabulary, it's definitely a part of mine. i sent an email to his address at work, saying that he should be more discreet when browsing the web, clear the history afterwards, and make sure the home page doesn't get changed, because it's irritating. i did not use the word "porn," or any word for which "porn" could be substituted. i was polite and tactful, as much as i could be in my somewhat agitated state. and i was brief. the last thing i said was, "don't bother responding."

so what does he do? he sends an email back. short, of course, saying he's sorry and it won't happen again. but for fuck's sake, I TOLD HIM NOT TO RESPOND!

well, i'm sure no one who reads this needed to know that. i just desperately needed to vent. i'm not even disgusted anymore--just annoyed! i guess the crux of it is that, while porn in the abstract doesn't bother me, i am usually mildly offended by porn when i see it. if someone had said to me, "hey, your dad looks at porn," i probably wouldn't have cared. it was just having to see it when the browser opened that bothered me. i mean, i wasn't quite expecting it, you know?

oh well. shit happens. and as everyone has been reminding me, it could be worse. but it better not happen again!

9.2.01 3.03 pm # female problems
there are days when i just hate being a girl. yesterday i worked for seven hours, and i had to take a bathroom break pretty much hourly for, uh, quality time with aunt flo. yuchh. it was really busy, too, and i had to clean up aisles, so i was working hard the entire time. i got home, headachey and tired and sore, and really, really looking forward to a hot shower. as i was heading for the bathroom, my sister screeched, "are you going to take a SHOWER now?!"

"yes."

"but i just ran, for like, two hours! i want to take a shower!"

i looked at my sister. she was lying on the floor watching TV. "then why didn't you take one when you got home, instead of checking to see what was on the television? you knew i was coming home soon."

"actually, i didn't know. besides, i just got home literally ten minutes ago!"

"well, i just got home literally two minutes ago, and i'm going to take a shower."

so i did. and she proceeded to be a bitch to me for the entire rest of the night. fucking little brat.

not much has happened this week. i've been working a lot. i have gone to several driver's classes, and now i only have three left. yay! i'm probably going to take my road test in early october. i haven't done anything fun. but i did get weezer tickets! and a special someone might be coming with me, nikki and erin... ;) more on that later, when i actually find out what's going to happen.

8.17.01 11.50 pm # el scorcho

i'm a lot like you so please, hello, i'm here, i'm waiting
i think i'd be good for you and you'd be good for me

just got home from a little going-away shindig at tom's house. it was nothing more than most of our parties, everyone sitting around making stupid jokes, but the difference tonight was that mike o'brien and matt maalouf were sitting around making stupid jokes with us! (and are their jokes ever stupid.) i would have to say matt paid more attention to me than mike--that is, if making fun of me counts as attention. which it does. so, um, i wouldn't say mike is madly in love with me, but i wouldn't say he hates me/is repulsed by me either. he's immature (which i have a hard time remembering when i'm not around him), but cute, and i still like him. he and matt are like, a deadly team. they're like me and nicole, but ten times stupider. sometimes i wonder what he's like when matt's not around. probably the same.

i walked into tom's bathroom after they left expecting to look in the mirror and be like, wow, i look like shit. but i looked fine. i looked fine! and that was the first thought that came into my head! "i don't look so bad, i look fine." and then i realized, it's not so bad if mike doesn't like me. i'll find another guy who does. and it's not so bad if i could stand to lose some weight. i will, eventually, and in the meantime i will view the extra as cute little love handles. (okay, cute medium-sized love handles.) and i won't slouch, dammit!

well, maybe just a little. you know what i mean. i can't do all this stuff immediately, but it helps to think about it. it helps to think i'm not so bad.

well, i'll have to finish this now. my sinuses are killing me and i've been sleeping badly lately so i'm very tired. i have to work tomorrow. i've been working a lot lately, and when i go to work now i'm actually doing work, since i got gently reprimanded for reading on the job. (and yes, i really mean "gently reprimanded". my boss is cool.) not that that's so bad. i was just going through a major slug period for a couple of weeks where i didn't want to do anything. hopefully it's over now. i hope.

8.12.01 12.14 am # hot
warped tour was on thursday, and it was pretty great. i didn't really enjoy it as much as last year, mostly because it was a hundred degrees out. the one good thing about the heat was the multitude of cute boys running around in white undershirts (i hate the word "wifebeater"). i only went in one pit (flogging molly), yet by the time the dropkick murphys came on i was so wiped out i could only lie on the grass and listen to them. nicole, kelly, erin and i were planning to go all together, but when nikki showed up at my house, felix and 6 of his friends were with her. let me take this opportunity to tell you, felix has hot friends. he has this one friend who's 6'10" and gorgeous and kinda mysterious because he doesn't talk much. i like that. so i was enjoying my day with felix and his hot friends.

also we saw mike o'brien and matt maalouf. matt maalouf punched me in the arm, dammit, and i have a bruise. you don't punch girls to say "hi", rhombus! mike smiled at me :) and i'm a dork, because that makes me excessively happy. it was a really nice smile though. on the train home, we saw, of all people, chris fittante. i had been planning to be a bitch to him next time i saw him, but i wasn't expecting to see him there, so i was a little stunned. i just kind of hid behind erin (where's the tall kid when you need him?) and fought the desire to throttle him. nicole was making fun of him because we were with a group of 10 (including hot guys) and he was by himself. haha. felix and two of his friends came over afterwards for food and ended up staying until 3. my parents weren't too happy about that. oops.

friday i woke up when nikki and erin left, called in sick to work, and went back to sleep. i didn't wake up until 2, when nikki called to see if i wanted to go to american pie 2. i did. i did want to go, even before i knew that felix's hot friend (who goes by the ironic name "fox") was going. that was just an added bonus. so most of friday was wasted sleeping, eating, and watching a movie about sex. hmm. and i wonder why sometimes i have this feeling that i'm not doing anything with my life...

8.8.01 10.21 pm # grouch
i am in a crabby mood. i ate practically nothing today because i wasn't hungry, then when i was working (4-9) i suddenly got really hungry and light-headed. i came home and ate risotto, french bread, two glasses of milk and a muffin the size of my head. that improved my mood ... barely. however, i was happy to see that i've worked 13 and a half hours this week, which is quite a lot for me. i put two paychecks in the bank today, one fat and one skinny, and will soon have another fat and another skinny to add. hopefully it won't take me too long to make up for all the do-re-mi i spent in new york.

so far this week has been productive, especially in comparison to my pms-induced sloth last week. i went to the dentist on monday and found out i have a teeny tiny cavity--oh well. at least the dentist said i don't have to go back to my crazy orthodontist. (for christ's sake, i got my braces off two years ago and the guy is still sending me "appointment due" cards! he's really just trying to suck more money out of my parents, i know.) i haven't gone to driving classes but i've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that i won't get my license until after school starts. (hopefully i won't be the only damn senior without a license.) today i went and got my hair cut, finally.

i'm making good headway on my reading--i finished kristin lavransdatter, thank god! i never have to read another word of the norwegian whore trilogy! i rejoiced a bit when i finished it last night. now i'm reading paddy clarke ha ha ha, about a ten year old boy in ireland in 1968. it's sweet and sad, but not in that tragic, depressing way that i'm so sick of after kristin lavransdatter. i'm almost finished with it because today was an exceptionally slow day at work with few books to be put away or cleaned up, so i mostly read and answered the phone. i'm glad because it was so hot out today, even the little bit of walking i did made me tired, aside from the fact that i hadn't eaten very much and i had stayed up until 3 am reading kristin lavransdatter. i need to go to bed soon so i won't be too tired tomorrow for the warped tour.

i wish i were deep like this guy or these guys. i think this blog would be much more interesting to read if i could just make pithy, sarcastic, vaguely amusing statements. unfortunately, i like to talk a lot, and mostly about myself, so you'll have to put up with it like this. sorry!

8.5.01 1.17 am # a strong feeling of apathy
well. what. do. you. know. i'm home. (didn't i say in the last entry of the new york blog that i wouldn't write again till i was home?) the last week in new york was great--not as great. stress chased me to new york, although i managed to hide from it until that last week. having a photoessay due on thursday i decided to do most of the photography--two rolls of film worth--on wednesday. okay, there were reasons for this, it's a long story, but it was altogether stupid. so i spent wednesday walking around greenwich village, for six hours, in ninety five degree heat. it was fun for the first four and a half hours and then later i got really horrible heat stroke and vomited. a lot. that is one of the most striking memories i have brought back with me from new york--a memory of my own stupidity. but one of the few bad ones.

i don't want to talk about new york. i miss it and i didn't want to leave; i'm not good with endings. my mother told me i am not good with changes. that's not true; i can handle change; i just don't like endings. i don't want to go back to school and i've been reminded that i "never want to go back to school. this happens every august, remember?" well, yes. okay. that's true. but this time i would be perfectly willing to go back to school, were it not high school i had to go back to. it's a jungle out there. and i mean it. choking on the sticky humid air of conformity, pestered by the stings and buzzings of mosquito-like girls, often weakened by malarial--no, hormonal--fever. college is where i really belong. i guess. if i belong anywhere.

my goals are coming along--somewhat. i am thirteen books into my twenty-book goal. i think i can finish seven books in the next four weeks. i'm going to complete this goal, dammit! i am nowhere into my losing-ten-pounds goal. fuck that. i ate like a slob in new york, or like a college student--take your pick. i haven't dared to weigh, i never do, but i probably picked up something of the proverbial freshman fifteen. (maybe they should call it the "summer program seven".) i was, of course, planning to get back to better eating habits once back at home, but i've been pmsing this week and haven't taken one step (or bite) closer to that goal. i think i managed to write at least five things to be proud of while i was in new york, but i have to organize them--i'll get them on the webpage eventually. i have kissed no boys.

there's the reader's digest version of the last two weeks. there will be a scribble soon to sum up the summer and elaborate on my emotions. (ha.. alliteration.. ha.) oh well--goodnight.