3.23.2002 10.54 pm * hooray for me
well, sorry that last entry was so whiny. i guess i just like to kvetch. this one's a bit nicer... just now i was writing an extremely detailed blog and i lost it, so this is a slightly more condensed version. (note: "condensed" does not mean "short".) i'm tired now, though, so it might not be entirely coherent. but it's generally optimistic in tone, at the very least.

i'm feeling... a lot less stressed out than i was a few days ago. on monday, after the fantastic dropkick murphys show on st. paddy's day, i stayed home from school. i did have a legit excuse, namely, a severe allergic reaction, but it was nice to have a day off of sorts. even if i spent the day mostly itching.

i'm slowly easing into a pattern of being late three days a week. i'm sure the ursuline administration hates it, but they can go screw. it's their fault i'm so stressed out in the first place. next week i have to do research for year-end projects in spanish and religion, but in general i'm all right. i think it's a conscious effort on my part, though. i'm trying to manage my time a little better and keep my laziness in check. like they say, "procrastination is like masturbation: it feels good until you realize you're screwing yourself."

it's barely more than a week until i hear from brown, and i'm getting more and more indifferent as it gets closer. i couldn't tell you why. a week ago i was panicking, but i guess it doesn't matter so much where i go. ... who the heck am i kidding? i'd give my right arm to go to brown. but i'm trying to lower my expectations for the time being.

drama still basically sucks, but i'm not letting myself get tense about that either. nicole's actually more upset by it at this point than i am. i'm just shrugging things off and trying not to dwell on the fact that she took away one of my songs. it's not my responsibility to make sure the show goes smoothly; it's the director's. and since the director won't even let me make any suggestions... here's an example from a typical rehearsal. me: "can i say something about the dance?" ms. k.: "no." she seems to think that if students make suggestions, it will make us believe she's incompetent and stop respecting her. the thing is, she IS incompetent, and most of us didn't respect her in the first place. she has no control over the situation. on the other hand, neither do i. the only thing i have to do is steal the show, right? ;) just kidding. mostly.

i bought two books today. i'm cheerful about that. "speaking with the angel", a collection of short stories, and a book called "writing in general and the short story in particular". however, work was sufficiently dreadful to make me bolt out of there at four on the dot. people were more annoying than usual, and it actually made me anti-social. i decided to drive to the nearest jc penney (in marlborough!) to order my prom dress. don't ask me why i have to go to the store to order the darn thing; i just do as i'm told because i want the pwitty dwess. i felt very lively when i was driving home, though, and i was hoping someone would miraculously be free to go out at 8:30ish. unsurprisingly, nobody was. that's okay, at least i'll have my dress soon. now all i need is a date to the prom.

speaking of this. i really think it's about time i had a boyfriend. according to an online quiz (the most reliable of sources!), my new year's resolution should have been to seduce someone. well, maybe not, but i do need some romance in my life right now. i need someone to fill in these random nights when i don't have anything to do. i need someone to teach me how to kiss. you dig? interested parties may apply to me..

just kidding. i'm not that desperate. i hope i will not be that desperate any time in the near future. but i do hope any guys i know who might be reading this are paying attention... eh? ;)

well, i think i've been sufficiently vapid for tonight. i'm going to go read those books i bought and edify my mind. or maybe watch tv.

3.10.2002 8.51 pm * hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work...
i feel like life is a runaway horse or something. it's just dragging me along and i have no control over it. i thought after midterms i was going to get a chance to slack off, relax a little, maybe even do some senior slide. no way! right now i'm trying to keep my grades up so i don't have to take finals, except in calculus, where i am totally screwed. not only is there no chance i'll get higher than an A- (which is what you have to get in order to skip the final exam), i probably won't get much over a C- (which is what i have right now). i have no idea what's going on. i thought i was going to be able to fake sick and get out of school or at least come in late all the time, but i haven't missed a single day of school except the three that i was dying (see previous entry). and that's just what happens IN school.

this is my schedule after school: tuesday i have therapy, wednesday rehearsal, thursday tutoring and then work in the evenings. on monday, i'm usually tutoring again, doing stuff for speech, or working. sometimes i go to the gym. fridays i go to the gym and/or go out with my friends. six out of the last eight saturdays, or something like that, i've had a speech meet, and when i don't, i have to work. sundays i have rehearsal again, followed by church. oh, and don't even get me started on homework...

i gotta slow this critter down. i'm being "dragged around" by my stress... and there's not really much i can do about it. i'm committed to everything, especially since i'm not sure about my college situation yet. i've been unofficially accepted to st. mary's college of maryland, but it's not my top choice... brown is, of course. and if i want to get into brown i don't really think i can just suddenly stop working. well, not completely. (in government class i can.) besides, my dad is pressuring me to work more to earn money for my first year of college, and... as cliche as it is, i feel like i'm running and running and never quite getting where i want to go.

drama in itself is killing me. i swear it's being used as punishment for some sin i committed in a past life. the new director is SO disorganized... i don't know, i guess mary lee was always really disorganized, but mary lee had the advantage of already being in a routine at ursuline. besides, she always knew what she was doing, even if it didn't seem like it. the new director doesn't even know what she wants! she's taken all of my character's songs and divided them up among the chorus... i only sing two freaking lines in "lady is a tramp". i would almost write it off as just me being bitter, but i'm definitely not the only one who has a problem with her. a lot of people have already quit, and most people have issues with the director and the absolutely INSANE music director she hired. (see nicole's blog for more about that.) so i'm obviously not as happy as i was before about that, since the part i wanted is being completely changed for no real reason. plus, the rehearsals take forever, and they're SO repetitive! they bore me to death and work me into the ground at the same time. is that even possible?

so, i'm like, not sleeping, not really getting anything done except what i need to. when i get home from everything, i usually just sit in front of the computer because i'm so zoned out. but i haven't managed to do anything constructive... i guess, given all the kvetching i just did, i don't need to explain the lack of updates here. maybe i'll get around to doing something soon. (probably not, but a little wishful thinking never hurt anyone.) now i'm going to go do something productive... ha, haha ha ha.

2.9.02 8.28 pm * BLAH.
ew. I AM SO SICK. i have some weird combination of a head cold and the flu. i'm coughing up technicolor phlegm. (i bet you needed to know that, too.) i had to miss speech because i'm unable to talk/breathe properly. this is the first time i've actually done anything all day. i've been lying in bed with an electric heat pad on my chest, reading prom magazines and coughing. erin stopped by before and brought me flowers... :) that brightened up my day somewhat. (thank you erin!)

so... weezer, saves the day and ozma last night. amazing. even though we got lost on the way AND coming back (lowell has the most confusing and least well-marked streets EVER), it was a good time. we missed part of ozma's set due to being lost, so i might have missed 'maybe in an alternate dimension' (my fave ozma song), or maybe they didn't play it. saves the day was better than i expected - they put on a good live show. chris has some weird little dance moves he does on stage.

it seemed like we were waiting FOREVER for weezer to come onstage, and they were playing some, like, ambient techno music, and i practically fell asleep. i think my friends thought i was asleep during weezer's set, actually. i stood up for a few songs, but most of the time in the middle i was sitting down with my head down. i was listening, though. they were awesome. i hate the blinking lights they have with their stage show. it wasn't so bad when we were at great woods, but tsongas arena really isn't that big, and we were looking directly at the stage, and those lights were killing my eyes. i probably would have enjoyed the show more if i wasn't sick... but, you know, what happens happens. it was a great show though. 100% better than the one in september. they played more old songs and sounded a lot better. not to mention they had opening bands that didn't suck.

okay, i'm starting to get tired again now. my body has been invaded by germs, ack.

1.31.02 7.24 pm * i don't feel i need to explain my art to you, warren.
i'm getting sick of all things faux, pretentious, and pseudo-intellectual. to say nothing of people who think they're better than everyone else, and say so. a note to all of you folks: you're not better than us. get over it.

senioritis has officially set in. i haven't actually done any homework while at home since midterms ended. oops. i haven't done much constructive, as a matter of fact, including working on stuff here. i'll get around to it eventually. i was going to change the layout tonight (content be damned), but it's kinda snowy and cold out so i think i'll keep it for awhile longer. maybe it'll convince the powers that be to give me a snow day tomorrow (bah!). perhaps i'll make a valentine's-day-related layout next and save the one i have for later.

my official stance is that i hate valentine's day, but you have your tacky hearts and red-and-pink color scheme and candy ... it's not so bad. if only i ever had a boyfriend to make the day complete. (i know, i know, having an s.o. does not make you a complete person--but on valentine's day that's pretty damn hard to believe.) on the 8th i'm going to see weezer and the 15th, i believe, beth is having a party, so it should be festive.

speaking of festivities... semi was awesome. (even without nicole, who was at the fancy-schmancy randolph high semi.) it was probably the best time i've ever had at a semi. i was really comfortable (except for my damn high heels) and they had yummy chinese food and i danced my booty off. i'm really glad i didn't bring a date. i didn't have to entertain anyone, and i just got to dance and be silly with my girls (and some of their platonic male companions). the only slight damper on my night was that mike was indeed there. he was jen's date, although i discovered recently that she hasn't got a crush on him, as i thought. i didn't really want to see him and have to figure out exactly how i was feeling about it, but it turns out that it didn't bother me too much. i really think i'm over him.

last time i said i was over mike, i wasn't, but this time i really am. i just need to meet more guys so i'm not fixated on the same one for such a long time. there is one cute guy i always see at speech, but he's from some really obscure school in harvard, and i don't even know his name. so that kind of defeats the "meet" part of my statement. right now the only guys i'm meeting, oddly, are younger than me. (and, though i did bring a freshman to my junior prom, i'm no cradle-robber.) too bad i'm generally isolated from guys unless i'm already friends with them. so much for my nonexistent love life.

on a completely unrelated note, i got the part i really wanted in the UA musical. we're doing "babes in arms", and i'm bunny, the "mousy" co-owner of the theater who sort of loosens up by the end of the play. i get to sing "the lady is a tramp"! very exciting. i really wanted to do "babes in arms", and i knew i really wanted to play bunny, and for once in my life i got what i want! i'm very content, and i hope the play goes well. there's some discontent about who got chosen for the real leads, but i'm hoping it will work itself out. last year people managed to quiet down and be supportive, even though there was some underlying jealousy, and it worked out fine.

i need to get more sleep. i'm tired all the time right now and i have no idea why. i do a lot, but it's not like i'm working myself to death. sometimes i'm so tired i don't even know what i'm saying. or writing in a blog, perhaps. for example, i'll talk about one thing for awhile and then go off on a completely unrelated subject with no smooth transition between them... ha ha. i think i'm done being random now. <3

1.23.2002 10.48 pm * brief update.
remember me saying i would add a new scribble when i had time? well... i won't be doing that. actually, i've decided to take a break from scribble, and maybe give it up for good. here are my reasons, in case anyone cares.

midterms were last week. i hate midterms. i ended up doing pretty well on them, though, except for calculus. (i'm not good at it, but i thought i at least did better than a 78.) anyway, i'm hoping to do some more updating and reorganizing soon, but i haven't had too much time. i have a new layout made, but i'm not letting myself put it up until i work on the actual content.

if anyone really wants to read a semi-witty pseudo-intellectual randomly attacking my intelligence, you can find this sort of wholesome entertainment right here. have fun with that--i know i am.

1.10.2002 7.50 pm * happy new year... HA.
well, first blog of the new year, and already i'm bitching and moaning like nobody's business. but... sorry, i had a shitty week. it doesn't compare to erin's viral infection, but it wasn't pleasant either. and since this is my place to bitch, bitch i shall.

i think my brilliant week really started on saturday morning, when i ran out of gas. at 8 am. in WHITMAN. (for those of you who don't know, whitman is ... one of those towns that's not really a town.) so, fortunately i was only an eighth of a mile away from a garage, but it still took me 40+ minutes to get gas into my car and get going again. that was a stressful and unpleasant start to my day, to say the least. i mean, i usually get stressed out enough at speech without getting stranded on the side of route 27 before i even get there. ... on the bright side, my gas gauge is working again now.

on sunday i had to go to the dump--i'm sorry, the wellesley recycling facility. normally it's my dad's job, but he was in florida. needless to say, it pissed me off that he dumped it on me (no pun intended). i understand he has a job and all, but it's not like i have nothing else to do--and he never does anything around the house anyway. i also had to go to the newton library and do research on pablo neruda, and then write a paper on the research. not to mention sundry other homework and studying for tests. i went to bed at a ridiculous hour...

but there was really no point to all that, because monday i was sick. okay, not as sick as erin, but it was a bitch to deal with nonetheless. and no, i did not skip school. i had an upset stomach from too much spicy thai food. i had a spanish project and at least 2 tests on monday, all of which i was prepared for. i had been planning to come in for the second half of the day, but i ended up falling asleep and that didn't really work out. so basically it looked suspect, and everyone thought i skipped, and i had a bunch of stuff to make up. great.

i took my make up test in communications on tuesday. apparently i wasn't as prepared for it as i thought, because i got a b, which, for a communications test, is not very good. i also found out that day that i got a 77 on my antigone test. so much for my excellent average in english. then i spent half an hour trying to convince my therapist that i'm not a completely spoiled and self-important brat. (and, saying that probably makes me seem like i am. blah.)

i had scheduled to make up an english pop quiz (that class again!) on wednesday before school, and i told her i would be in at 8 to take it. i was late. none of you are surprised, but mrs. earls was ripshit, and she was a raging bitch about it. i said, listen, i'm really sorry, i got stuck in traffic. she said, well, sorry doesn't cut it. whoops, sorry mrs. earls, i must have missed the memo about polite apologies no longer being an accepted part of society! i asked if i could take it later that day or after school, and she said, how about period four? no. i have ap calculus that period, i said. she glared at me like it's my fault--and of course her little quiz is so much more important than my calculus class. that put me in a bad mood for the rest of wednesday, and i just spent an inordinate amount of space bitching about it, but it was probably the most annoying single thing that happened this week.

i ended up taking the quiz this morning, and afterwards she gave me a lecture on the importance of keeping your word when you tell someone you'll do something. i was standing there saying, yup, i know, uh huh, and thinking, you fucking hag, i get this kind of thing from my father every goddamn day, i don't need it from you. to top that off, i had detention this afternoon (for wearing the wrong shoes a month ago!). basically, i had to sit in one spot for forty minutes, staring at the wall/ceiling/desk/window, with nothing but my sleeve to amuse me. fun.

oh yeah, and jen healy is taking mike to the semi. i think that was exactly what i needed to complete my awesome week, by making me feel like a big fat loser. don't you think?

ugh, my dad is lecturing me again. time to turn it up and tune him out. sorry you had to see this, folks.

12.26.2001 12.36 am * joy to the world
well, here's a new layout... just a little late for christmas, right? i haven't been feeling too festive lately, and i've been stressed out for a lot of reasons, so i didn't really have the opportunity to do a layout before christmas. even my vacation has been nonstop so far. hopefully i'll be able to relax after midyear grades go out (which is, incidentally, way too soon). anyway... it's not snowy here, or very wintery at all, but i wish it was, hence the layout. and it'll last the winter, unless i suddenly have free time on my hands (hah!) and decide to make a new one. i might have time to tweak the site a little during christmas break, but if i don't, i hope my adoring fans won't be too disappointed. i'll have a scribble up in a few days, once i get motivated to pick up a pen and write. and for now... merry christmas to all, and to all a good night!

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